Monday, October 12, 2015

For what he believed in

Grey sky, little sunlight and loud sounds of thunder. I stepped out into my small yet cozy balcony to see what the weather looked and felt like. I allowed the calm yet strong breeze chill me. And again heard thunder, but saw no lightning. I stood there for a while looking at the kids play and people walking their dogs in the park within my view.

They were enjoying the weather. Screaming and playing catch, the kids. I looked back to see the clock. It showed 9.00 a.m. Right below the clock, my draws with his picture on the top. I stared at it and wondered “I wonder what he must be doing now”. I felt the urge to call him. But what if he was asleep. I didn’t want to wake him. He worked late and hard. “Sleep was precious for him” I thought.
I walked in and the drew open the curtains of all the windows in my room to let the subtle light in. It was a pleasant day. I turned on the coffee machine to grab my morning coffee. And again, there I was thinking of him. He made the best coffee. I could only ever think the coffee I made could taste so good. But then he always had my coffee without a complaint. I smiled to myself as I poured milk into my coffee.

I walked back to my favorite spot in my balcony. The small comfy chair I had managed to fit in my balcony was awaiting me. I settled in staring at the birds chirping on a nearby tree branch. Birds, those little things with so much life can make your day bright. I was once again remembering him. He loved nature. I learned the art of observing and relishing nature from him. So observant he would be, that he would notice the slightest of things in the nature around him.I became him so much so, that I could even feel his presence in the wind as if he was standing out in the open somewhere. I could simply feel it.

I took a sip of my coffee, feeling satisfied that my coffee wasn’t so bad either. I stared at the clock on my phone which now read 9.30 a.m. The urge only rising to call him and hear his sweet and lazy voice in the morning. I somehow managed to wipe the thought off my mind. I went back to observing the little birds on the trees nearby. I deeply began thinking, he made me so much of what I am today. I was never open enough to realize my capability to be able to become so much. I always underestimated my self. Yet, when he was around I was so much more and never realized it. He made me walk through it all. Made me become so much but never took credit for it.

Beyond everything, he made me feel complete. He made me feel important. Like, I was meant to be this person. He always confused me. His thoughts were always so complex. But still he compels me to think, maybe, he is simple, I am complex. That, something so simple, I am unable to process. He makes me wonder about me. I was startled by the loud sound from my phone. I instantly snapped back to the present. It was my alarm, ringing loudly. “Ugh.. I woke up maybe a little early” I thought. I quickly shut the alarm on my phone. Only to realize, my coffee was getting cold. I took another big sip.

I looked at the grey clouds and thought, they looked like cotton candy but with an unappetizing color. It was no surprise to me, that I once again, I started thinking of him. We would look up and tell each other what each cloud looked like. With him I could be a child. I smiled. He would call me his treasure, his locked up gold. He admired my creativity. I still don’t see what was so attractive about me, which draws him to me. Again I thought, I always underestimate myself.

But, for the nth time I questioned myself back and thought. But why? Why do I underestimate myself? I felt lack of confidence to even answer that question to myself. And then, it struck me. I was always so low on self confidence that I could only think that I would screw up things. I laughed at myself. Despite knowing it all, I felt powerless. I wondered, if I could ever stop feeling that way. Maybe. Maybe not.

I looked into to my coffee cup before I took my last sip. I loved the foam of his coffee. I walked back in to place my cup in the sink. I washed my hands and returned to my room. I walked to my draws and picked up his photo frame. I looked at it with a blank mind and a heart full of emotion. I looked at the way his eyes looked. Always so sharp - “like a hawk” I thought. I looked at his brows and the shape of his lips. I took one final look at his entire face before placing the frame back in its place. I turned my back to the draws and walked towards my balcony, to take my towel. And then, it happened! The unexpected! The one thing I missed, every time, I had this conversation with myself. How could I have not seen it?

It was all there, waiting for me to look at him and realize. I found the answer to the question I had asked myself, maybe, a thousand times before, just like I did today. Why do I underestimate myself even when he thought I was all these wonderful things? Because. Simply because, he believed in me. He believed in me more than I did myself. I heard my phone ring in the balcony, on my chair. I rushed to see who was calling. And it couldn’t have been a better moment, for him to wake up and call me - I answered. He said “Good morning sunshine”. I couldn’t help but smile to myself and believe that he believed in me to make me believe myself. This is true love.

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