Lost in my train of thought

I never thought I would ever let out everything I think of in my mind. But tonight its different. I cant help it. I have to speak my mind out. I cant hold it in any longer.

I'm just thinking how can everything feel so good with one person and the rest of the world treats me lavishly in a sarcastic way. Can i really follow my instinct with this person.Or am I just going to be back stabbed again.

I'm so scared. The night is collapsing on me and I cant pull myself together. I know its out of my hands.But i don't want this to be a beautiful dream. Everytime I've come across something I want keep safe for the rest of my life, I've struggled to keep it with me.

It keeps echoing in my head "only when you dream big the smaller the street looks". But I dont want to fall for its trap, maybe the is street longer than I'm expecting it to be. Am praying as I release my grip on my guard.

I just hope im not wrong. I dont want to be stamped upon. I dont want to feel like I'm being utilised for my niceness. As tears are rolling down my cheek all I can think of is how to push my thoughts away and how to shut my mind off. I am unable to do things.

I am standing here with a white flag in my hand looking for peace, when life just wont give it to me. I need someone I can trust. Some one I know who wont push me away after his/her work is done. People tend to picture my personality by my face, not by who I am.

Why doesnt pain find its way away from me? rather than crawling in to my lap. I dont want this dream broken. This dream is me.. if it shatters, I shatter along with it.

I doubt sometimes if it all worth the pain. Why am I feeling abandoned in a crowd. No matter how much I want to believe that the people I see around me like me for who I am seems like such a mirage.

What started as a whisper slowly is turning into a scream. I'm looking for the answer where the question is clearly .old friends become old strangers. I don't want that to happen.

Forget the future, my present is messed up no matter how many times I try to pick myself up to run to where I think I deserve to be. But I sure know that I am not wrong. It feels so wrong. All of it. Not the starting nor the ending. Just everything....

I dont know wht else to say to keep my mind clear.. I keep listening to whispers in my head
disappear. Silence is the loudest at times like this...